I feel as if this is the only place... i can vent my emotions....

so much for the 2010...the first day was great... tons and tons of money flowing back to me....

then just now... jan 3... my family is breaking apart... it's happening in front of me


who can i trust...

that... i'm so scared.. it's so sad... seeing my mom and dad like that... i thought they were in love... right?

i mean for 3 weeks... i've been convinced that they were really happy together....

then just now... why.... why

why can't ...i be saved...

i've always thought of parallel worlds... how opposite things happen to my other self... weird idea brought on by tons of books and games...

if that's true...for me who can remember facing despair for these years...the other me must be happy...perfect...and complete...

there's a void...that i can't fill... no matter how hard i try...i can't...

just now.. i felt as if the hole was going to swallow me whole... my back feels heavy... it's hard to breathe... it's hard to go outside...

Please... -------

sometimes i wish...only for a moment...that someone would understand me. not even my family...i can't believe my sister would say such things...i can't believe my mom would say such things.  no one trusts me.  i can trust no one.  my aunt asked me if i was having a white christmas.  there's no snow let alone happy feelings.  this is just any other day.  "it's your fault blah blah"

no one understands how i really act, how i really think

when i think about that, i can trust no one, tell no one.  i can't trust anyone.  i can't tell any one.  all that's left is posting onto livejournal as an annonymous person...to a certain extent...

i really wish i could mold the world as i like it.  i really wish those childhood dreams would become reality.  there is no such thing as fulfilling dreams.  life is what we call hell... why were we born? to simply suffer.  as much as we like to glorify life, in the end we all die.  we live to die.  sooner or later everyone dies.

when will my time come. when will it claim me? this imperfection...this empty void.  truly i laugh at my stupid existence.  regardless if i died or not no one would care, more like everyone has better things to do.   when it comes down to it...no one can sacrifice for another.  i haven't seen it...

show me. 

there is an empty void i feel.  a couple of weeks ago i finally cried.  after many years i was able to let out tears...but in the end it didn't make me feel any better. i broke a promise to myself.  i cried.  for what reason does crying make someone stronger.  crying simply lets out emotions.  there are no need for emotions.  it hinders reasoning.  it hinders thinking.  how can one act reasonably when they are filled with emotions. 

after crying i realized even more how people cannot be trusted.  after talking about it with some people i realized even more that i should not have told anyone.  why be comforted.  it's not what i seek.  in the end i get pity.  but is it that pitiful.  should i truly be grateful.  i'm happy there are new friends that are there for me.  but the old ones...are they such bad people? my memories serve to prove that they are...but

what person does not act for their own benefit?  why would someone hinder their own success. 

i really...wish that for once something would go my way.  if i could have a christmas present... i wish for that.  but isn't christmas just something that's made up...based on the beliefs of many people... that are hoping for something or someone to be real?  12-25... is just any other day.  it's the people that make this day special...however...

regardless...without judgment...without emotions...this is just any other day to me. 

when will i fill this void...this void that's existed ever since that day...

a sunny day. it's rays shining upon me, an innocent and naive girl wearing a large backpack, guarded by tall sakura trees.  the sidewalk was dirty with mud and dust; my feet shuffled slowly.  I wondered about the day, drowning out the voices of other children.  I reviewed my day, wondering about why people were a certain way.  my eyes flickered as i saw a branch of bamboo trees sticking out to the sidewalk.  it was to my eye level.  its leaves were vibrantly green, shimmering and embracing the sunlight.  i reached for it curiously, petting the surface softly with small fingers.  my mind questioned, "why are people selfish? why do people act so selfishly? will i become like this some day?"

I didn't have an answer.  not until now.  i think it was that day where i knew life was not to be enjoyed.  the days before that day... where tranquil and innocent.  i was naive and happy.  now i'm just like the "people" i questioned about.  it's inescapable.  who can i blame but myself? but am i really that way? or do i make myself seem that way. 

now i know that happiness is a trade.  an unfair trade that lasts only a short moment.  a flickering dream that cannot be caught.  it slips out my hand.  it's a void. 

a darkness despite its possibilities.

it's the emo weather again that's making me emo...

sigh for some reason i guess it's because i always seem sad that people truly don't understand what i'm feeling.. if that makes any sense.  i'm kind of depressed that i'm seen as "sensitive." I don't really think that's true though...

sigh it just hurts... my heart hurts.. my throat hurts...

i just kinda wished...one person would understand... which is kind of hard... no one is me.... but in reality i really do not take much to heart... i just have two things that really strike home....

it's easy to know what my weak points are if you look at me... and see what's going on around me....

my source of sadness is honors college and one other thing 

I guess not trying to improve my Photoshop skills... for a couple of years really makes my artwork go down... sigh....

( Read more... )

I vow to...

• be more happy
• be nicer to steve
• be LESS EMO! * (Credit to Caz-san)
• Um...make it through college with good grades

! Secret.

New layout on 6-9-9 ...11:00pm

I call it ... Melon Goodness

---

WAHHH ....today I got my bday present from the mail... that Courtney-san sent me ;A;.  I'm so happy because it's the first time that I've ever received like a present...that I absolutely... i don't know how to describe it without pissing off some of my other friends but...

it was like...the best 18th bday present...that i'll ever get...and nothing will compare to that lol

and i wonder how much postage cost....because... man now i just feel bad

but i'm happy at the same time so i'm confused

( presents here )

Okay, so I was late...but that doesn't matter!

The seeds that are sown have blossomed into loathsome sins.  My heartbeats count Heaven's punishments as I'll soon reach death's door--not a thousand penitence could ever forgive. 

If I was strong then this would've never occurred. 

I, who stares into my own reflection, can only feel the touch of cold glass and peer at the tainted wants swirling beneath the livid color of my eyes.


If you are a field of roses, then...

I am nothing but a dying blade of weed,

strewn in the dilapidated ruins of the forgotten world. 

I was coloring...and then it suddenly turned into a header, icon, animation, etc

Well, here's the original

( Pic here )

I never made something this dark before...hmm.  I like it... for some odd reason.  The music helped too...all that emo violin.  And ... yea I'm supposed to be writing an essay right now.

I'll name this header too! 

Via Dolorsa: Destrado

In commends to my new fanfic I'll be writing soon.  Entitled the same thing XD

Sometimes the line between friends and lovers becomes unclear...especially when both of you are of the same sex.  It's an indescribable pain because the answer lies neither in you nor the person of your admiration.  Is it love?  Every day you ask yourself that...yet, you don't have an answer.  Every time you talk to them, every time you accidentally bump into them, there is a feeling of dread; however, above it all, is the feeling of euphoria.  Nothing can make you more happy than seeing them, feeling them, thinking about them.  When the night falls, the first thing that comes to mind is them.  Will you dream about them tonight?  You don't want to...you deny the love that you feel.  You tell yourself it's sickening...you hate yourself.  However, once again...that sense of desire paints over logic--hate.  Dreams come and go...thus, you awake with a blur of the previous night---including your dreams.  Sometimes you remember them...you treasure them...those dreams you wish would come true. 

Oh how times fly by when you're bored.  You love that feeling: boredom.  When you're bored...memories of your "crush" flows in your mind in an innocent fashion---filled with the best moments of glee.  Yet, sometimes they are also filled with moments of where you crashed head to head with "that" person.  You hated them then...and continued hating because you knew you'll be free from that perplexing feeling of love/hate---free from "that" person.  You'll finally see them as a FRIEND...and not as a potential lover...

who might love you back...

only if you're lucky...

and was the last person on Earth.

The line becomes fuzzier...like the fog that appears after a day's heavy rain. 


---
How's that for angst, Cynthia?  I didn't want a pairing for this...I thought I was writing an outline at first though.
 

and yea... I updated one of my shiznat stories and wrote a kanji x naoto... it's all on ff.net.  NOW SANDY !! GO !! GO!! READ THIS AND BURN YOUR EYES!! and criticize some.

Well I'm also gonna stick my assemblage picture in here.  Took me 24 hours...ugh... I MADE EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR THE LOWER HALF OF THE SNOWMAN!!!

carving sucks when your'e a noob... actually i was noob for everything.

( Assemblage BLAGE!!! )

NOW FOR THE MAIN TOPIC

THIS IS THE SANDY POST!! I know two sandys so I'm talking about the younger one.  

Whoot here ya go~ my friend! 

I...suddenly thought of this...




I think I'm going to post it on fanfiction. 

Edit: okay I added in Doujima's POV

8:51 right now... was supposed to be doing scholarships

BUT I MADE A NEW P4 LAYOUT <3 YAY!!!

the color scheme was based off an image i found...O-O in the artbook....

I <3 it... i made 2 versions... and now i also made an icon but i'm no good with icons but i kinda like it anyways

( Here's the other version )

Ah....this ...dream was so weird...a nightmare like no other.  I'm...so scared right now.  It wouldn't even let me wake up until it was finished.  I woke up once...and shortly after I fell back asleep.  I couldn't get up...more like my body wasn't afraid like I was in my mind. 

At first the dream was about a journey.  The skies were clear and everything.  then...

( Read more... )

Okay another eventful day... no sleep.. shoveling snow for 3 hours...played p4...

and now that i'm perhaps 3/4 through the game.. actually ... maybe it was some kind of woman's intuition kind of thing... ( i had a feeling who it was 5 hours into the game or so....sigh....dammit)

In p4 there's a killer right?  Well I kinda had a feeling who it was...then...I kinda confirmed it today while looking for some fan pics... ugh...not like I was trying to.... i was just looking at fan pics...

well... it turns out that I am right... am i too smart for rpgs now?  I've been figuring out the endings to a lot of them...even the best ones...ugh...

God...Naoto is supposed to know the killer faster than me...

and p4 is sometimes so mentally slow....(for me at least...) like I know when there's something WAY odd...but it takes the game play 5 more hours to get to what i'm thinking or longer...

I'm just emo right now because I figured out who the killer is in p4.  Then..to know that I'm right T_T ... sigh....it's okay....i mean i think most people know by 9/17 in the game.... I mean it's so obvious....

just learn not to trust anyone in the game and you'll know... (to those who play p4)

sigh....

HELL YES!!!

Okay...first things first....

1. I GOT ACCEPTED IN CLARK'S HONORS COLLEGE! !! HELL YES!!! 2000 applicants each year and only 175 get accepted!!! YESH!!! OMG YESH!!!!

-coughs-....yay...

2.  OMG PERSONA 4!!! 10 minutes prior to getting the letter I WAS PLAYING PERSONA 4....AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S SO FREAKING HAWT ABOUT PERSONA 4 TODAY?! 

I SAW AND HEART NAOTO-SAMA'S VOICE... ... let me post a picture of how cool... Naoto is...

btw i got the letter on the 15th but forgot to open it lol...

but that doesn't matter...

omg naoto is so cool... i restarted the game because I spelled my main character Takuml instead of takumi ... -_-;

Yoshina Takumi is a nice name right?  ADMIT IT!  



( Pictures here )

and now it's like 3:29am ... because i was messing with photoshop for a new layout lol...

Story...Maple story.. i can't believe i'm playing this again...

number one reason?


Pirate class-Gunslinger  = opportunity to create Legretta... from tales of the abyss

god i'm such a horrible fan girl...

i'm already lvl 28... and ... it's only 3 days...

sigh....

now to get nx and dress her up -coughs blood-

my body reacts violently to ms yet i'm still playing -barfs-

Anyone else playing... on Windia? >.>;;;;;;;;;;;;

I feel sorry for myself...

One little step at a time, I'll get closer to what I believe in.
One little step at a time, I'll see what's in front of me.
One little step at a time, until everything was too late.

Because I took one little step at a time.

Because I never took a stance.
Because I never had anything to hold dear.
Because I never had something to light up my sky.

All of this for a single lie.

Because I took one little step at a time.

Because I never had something,

That could light up my sky.


-----

Okay so I've snapped a bit ... this week...or a lot....or perhaps this is regression to a past stage i used to be in.  Have you ever felt so lost in your own little world that you cease to exist as a whole?  Have you lost reason as to why you feel a certain way?

Sigh...I just keep on remembering something.... someone told me: 

"Soon Melody, you're going to lose all your friends and family."

It's not a dream.  Someone told me this...and I can't help but believe it now.

._. and sorry for not replying o_O err... omg what's your name x.x ._. little girl from aussi

Not like this doesn't happen everyday in my life, I've been having some WEIRD dreams.  I won't go into details with all of the other ones that I've had but there was like... 2 scenes that got to me.  And since I'm in a "fanfiction" mood, I want to write it in a story perspective. 

I'll omit one of the scenes which ...featured belts...It wasn't violent or dirty or anything...just very disturbing...

both of these were disturbing actually.  D; mind you I suck at writing...sentence length means nothing to me.

( Read more... )




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